HAVE you ever wondered about what lures men to women? What makes a man think that a particular lady is the right choice for him in marriage? In the same vein, why do men, after a period of time with a lady, seek new relationships, engage in extramarital affairs, sex scandals, break marital vows and still not feel remorseful?
Mrs Titilayo Adewuyi, a teacher, never bargained for what she got after 25 years of marriage to her hubby judging by their
first three years of memorable courtship. Her husband, James, was
working with one of the old generation banks until a few years ago, when he was transferred to another state. Before then, Mr James Adewuyi was a supposed honest spouse, but on getting to his new environment, one thing led to another and he began to ‘notice’ other women.
His experience took a bad turn, however, when he impregnated one of his many secret lovers soon after and since she was not a live-in-lover, he put her up in a nearby town. In order not to arouse suspicion, Adewuyi always invited his wife to spend few days with him at his location and being a teacher, she always utilised the several holidays to her advantage. So, she never suspected her romantic husband, but as fate would have it, Mr Adewuyi was shot dead during an armed robbery attack at his branch, and thereafter, all hell was let loose.
As a devout Christian, Mrs Adewuyi never suspected that her husband could engage in sexual relations with another woman, not to talk of having children out of wedlock. In preparation for the burial, a senior family member had consoled her, and while doing so, informed her that one of her husband’s unfulfilled mission was informing her that there was another unwedded wife! Mrs Adewuyi was engulfed by another round of grief upon hearing the news of her late husband’s secret wife.
Such harrowing experiences are what many women pass through because of the failure of men to keep to their marital vows and citing various reasons for their mistakes. Although, most men do not have children outside wedlock, they steadily maintain mistresses outside marriage, all in the disguise that their wives had one shortcoming or the other.
James’ character is one that is common among men who do all sorts of things to satisfy their sexual urge by going awry.
Due to western civilisation, most Christian marriages are generally recognised at the performance of a church wedding, where the bride and groom exchange wedding vows. Even though it has become culturally understood, the actual terminology that defines the word ‘vow’ reveals that the words expressed are likened to a covenant. It is a promise, a contract and a profession of commitment between the husband and wife.
It is understood that a wedding ceremony is the making of a marriage covenant. Instead, nowadays, it does not mean the covenant to the participants again, but a word that they need to recite on the occasion. After a marriage programme, the Nigerian Tribune gathered that men think less of the said marriage covenant, thus getting to the extent where they satisfy other women outside wedlock. This phenomenon is not, however, peculiar to any race, religion, culture or class. Although, the principle of Islam allows marriage of one man to many women, it never agrees to going out of this particular wedlock to engage in extramarital affairs.
The general question, therefore, is, ‘what is it that men look out for in other women that their wives lack?
Mr Shola Ojetokun, a businessman, said that the so-called marital vows have become cliché. He hinted that for a young man who has been dreaming of marriage, he would recite the marriage vows because, at that point, he is obliged to do it.
In his words:“ in some situations, abandoning marital vows of “for better for worse, my body and everything I have for you only” might have arise from the fact that one just has to say it at that point as a rite. No one can, at that time, be sure of what he would do afterwards. Most men can’t control their sexual urge, so they look for a spare partner when the reality dawns on both of them. But some women pretend, after marriage, that sex is not the main reason why they got married. To me, sex is the main driving force for breaking marital vows.
“Most men find it difficult to take no, most times, for an answer. Either we like it or not, sex is a major factor in marriage and we have seen couples filing for divorce basically because of sex. If the woman is of the type that is usually tired after a hard day’s work all the time, the husband will seek alternatives. In that situation, you don’t think of the vow but of the immediate situation, he said.”
If sex is the major factor, then the women folk should have been aware of the fact that men desire unfeterred access to their body anytime they wish. Mrs Ada Nwaogwu, while reacting to this issue, said that the excuse of sex denial at homes by men are just excuses of doing what they had already concluded to do.
She said, “Let me tell you, for some men, if you decide to give them sex like food, they will still look outside. There is nothing you can do to stop an eager mind that wants to do something. As for me, I’ve told my husband, if he likes, he can have 100 girlfriends outside. That is not an excuse for your home performance because if you tell him no, he won’t listen. It’s just like men do hold meetings about it. A saint today can turn to be something else tomorrow, I can’t allow any man to kill me over what I don’t have power over. “
Nigerian Tribune gathered from many women that most men complain about their wives’ performance in bed unnecessarily in order to justify their romance outside marriage. Most women who were interviewed claimed that men’s complain of styles or reaction in bed after marriages are lies. According to them, why would they complain less about the taste of food but place greater emphasis on sex as if sex was the only issue that marriage is about.
According to Mrs Ame Jones, “Men just look for flimsy excuses to cover their undoings. We’ve also had men, who after a few years of their marriages, can’t reach their optimal level sexually again. Should the wife of such a man now go out for ‘reinforcements’? An average Nigerian man is an adulterer, simple.”
Corroborating peoples’ claim, the registrar, Ibadan South-West local government, Mrs L. T. Amusat, said that the major reason men break their marital vows was due to infidelity among men which may arise as a result of so many factors.
“People, especially men care less about marital vows as a result of infidelity between the partners, delay in child bearing, family factors and mostly distance. Some family here in Nigeria can encourage their son to take another wife if they are not getting along well with the first wife while most reasons we have these days is orchestrated by distance between the spouses.
Recently, though I don’t have the data here with me, I can tell you that there is increase in the rate of divorce as a result of distance between couples.”
“People have forgotten that unfaithfulness to marital vows, either in the case of extra marital affairs or second marriage, without proper dissolution of the first one is bigamy which is punishable under the laws of the Federal Republic of Nigeria with seven years imprisonment. Breaking of marital vows is a serious offence but here in Nigeria, we glorify wrong attitudes.”
Meanwhile, in their separate opinions, Mr Mudashiru Moruf and Demola Mogbonjubola differ on why men abandon their marital commitment for other pleasures. Demola, said “although sex is the main excuse of most men, I advise that women should stop the attitude of taking sex as a labour in most homes, because it is not. Women should try to satisfy their husband, maybe that could reduce the urge of seeking it somewhere else.”
To Mudashiru Moruf, most men engage in it unconsciously due to job schedule, friends and environmental influences. “To some people, if your friend is involved and you’re not, you feel isolated and before you know it, they will arrange one for you.
Again, the type of job one is doing might also play a role.”
“In fact, in some tribes in Nigeria, if a man bears children outside wedlock, it is the family that bears the responsibility of telling the first or legal wife. In some situations, if the wife over-reacts, she may be driven away. In advance countries where bigamy or extra-marital affair offence are highly punishable, men being who they are still go out of their ways.
Former American president Bill Clinton, was once alleged to have had an affair with a White House intern, Monica Lewinsky and recently, the president of the International Monetry Fund (IMF), Dominique Strauss-Kahn who is touted to be a viable opposition to the current French president, Nicolas Sarkozy in next year’s presidential election was also caught up in a sex scandal. Also, former California Governor and actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger acknowledged that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff, who had worked with the family for 20 years, a revelation that apparently prompted wife Maria Shriver to leave the couple’s home before the 25 year-old marriage was dissolved. This is not to talk of many sportsmen who have been involved in one sex scandal or the other – Tiger Woods, Ashley Cole, John Terry, Wayne Rooney and others. Can we conclude that men are born polygamists?
Source......Tribune
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